Facebook Messenger is Your New God

Post from 2017

Facebook’s F8 developer conference has yielded very good news for fans of Messenger. You remember Messenger? It was the app Facebook sort of forced you to download to your phone if you wanted to have a private chat with your friends. It’s like the free U2 album of software. You didn’t really want it, but oh well it’s there now so you might as well enjoy the ride.

Prepare yourselves Messenger-loving Millennials (the most coveted of age groups ever to grace the face of the earth), Facebook is adding more features to the chat app. The company apparently found a few pixels that weren’t already being occupied by stories, bots, reminders to wish everyone a happy birthday, Shared Days, and drawing tools.

In those tiny digital squares Facebook will shove all your VR headset-owning friends. Oh the fun you’ll have at their virtual birthday party. The balloons, the candles, the Baroque avatars that always smile, and the eventual ring of acne that’ll circle the area around your eyes — the spotted badge of honor brought on by Facebook Spaces. Remember that name, though, because it’s how you’re going to enjoy the wonders of the world without leaving your home. Spaces is like the Multimedia-CD ROM fad of the 90s, but this time it’s going to work because we’re a community. A circle of friends billions and billions strong, brought together by a common set of SDKs.

And it’s not going to stop there; the social network has big plans. Mighty big plans and the community should be excited because Messenger is going to be everything to everyone. Just you wait. You’ll see.

It’ll be bigger than all the old gods and religions. Bots are the new gods. You’ll let their divine marketing language bring about a better life, a nicer meal, an Uber driver that doesn’t want a cash tip, and a cleaner shirt. Prepare to update and behold the company’s ever-changing app testaments and privacy erosion. You’ll confess your sins and be rewarded with products that will surely make it all better. It’s all going to be ok, because we’ve learned that all reality is virtual.

It’ll all be there for you in one app. Delete everything else off your phone for thou shalt not download to thee phone any other graven apps. Trust in Facebook and its decision to move all to Messenger for it shall become a full fledge concierge. Cars, rental homes, airplane tickets, jobs, dating, therapy, hospital visits (The more “likes” you get, the higher up you’ll move on the kidney transplant list), tax preparation, concerts, escort services, weddings, family reunions, funerals, Twitter, TV, and chatting with your mom who’s concerned that you haven’t visited in awhile. The future is coming mom, download Messenger, knit a VR headset cozy, join the community.

The all encompassing Facebook with its billions of monthly active users knows what we want. It knows everything about us. Why argue with the biggest storehouse of human data ever gathered? You can’t because Messenger will stop you for your own good. All your data belongs to Zuck and he’s building a nation, a church, a planet of users.

So be careful and mind what you say. There’s a swarm of solar-powered drones coming to your house. You should have known better. Enjoy your new life as a Home Depot bot trainer, the rest of us know what’s what. There is no Messenger app anymore. We’re all Messenger and Zuck is so happy he’s wearing his gold hoodie to tell us about the next set of features. He’s surrounded by lights and applause and we’re so caught up in the moment that we don’t notice that the procedure for Facebook’s Brain-Computer interface involves replacing an eye.

I’m sure the implant won’t hurt that much and it’s totally worth it because for reals this time, bots are going to be great.