I posted this in the Facebook group for my graduating class. No one liked it.
The holidays are upon us. And like many of you, I will be visiting my family in good ol’ Tehachapi. Unlike many of you, my inability to interact socially has increased 10-fold. I’ve moved from Boo Radley-level shyness straight up to Howard Hughes-Def Con-Five shyness. And while I may not keep my urine in jars or grow my fingernails to extraordinary lengths, I am weary of the outside world and the humans that inhabit it. So if you happen to see me at Kmart, Albertson’s, or just hanging out at Bicycle Freeway (that’s still a thing right?), please follow these simple steps to assure the best possible outcome:
1. Do not look me square in the eyes. Because of my years of working online, I am unable to comprehend the dynamic gaze of a person that has not been pixilated or has the word “buffering” covering their face.
2. Do not mention my missing thumb. Sure missing thumbs are hilarious in the abstract, but in this post-iPhone touchscreen everything world, it’s kinda of a bummer. DON’T BRING UP ANGRY BIRDS!
3. If I start talking about Twitter, Quora, Path, Game of Thrones, Surfing or Snowboarding, just back away very slowly. I will talk for hours and will eventually tire myself out and my helper dog will drag me to the nearest emergency room.
4. I don’t watch sports. I have no idea which team did what. But, if you happen to have a baseball and a couple of gloves, I’ll gladly play catch. Even in a crowded market.
5. If I run from you, and you chase me, prepare for the awesomest game of tag ever.