Twitter is full of shitty accounts. Most of those accounts have an egg as an avi because eggs end up being birds and a twitter is the sound a bird makes. Oh, look how clever you are shitty Twitter accounts. (Editors Note: I’ve been informed that all new accounts have egg avis. Whatever, get your shit together and upload a picture of yourself from 10 years ago)
Amongst all those horrid accounts spouting bad jokes about “ethics in too many cooks” are some pretty awesome folks on Twitter. What’s even more awesome is if you put those people on a list of People to Follow on Twitter they’ll tweet the hell out of it and I’ll make some money off these Google ads I put on this site like a year ago. (Editors Note: Who do I contact at Google about getting the $.08 they owe me on ad sales?)
So here they are, the 100 best people on Twitter to follow who will totally retweet this article to all their followers in no particular order.
Mat Honan @mat
Okay, Echo, please send me some mayonnaise
— mat honan (@mat) November 6, 2014
Number one is Mat Honan because he’ll literally retweet anything. He once retweeted a photo of Time Cook holding a picture of Alan Thicke playing the part of Dr. Jason Seaver from Family Ties. So yeah, he’s gonna retweet this.
Mike Isaac @Mikeisaac
earnest tweet: please give me your best winter stew recipe
— ಠ_ಠ (@MikeIsaac) November 6, 2014
I didn’t want to put Mike on here but there’s some weird Twitter law that says he has to be on every list of people to follow on Twitter. If you get Mike to follow you back he will fav every god damn thing you tweet. He’s like a broken Super Mario Bros. game that just keeps rewarding you with stars even when you don’t deserve it.
Also, he just got a cute dog.
Farhad Manjoo @fmanjoo
What if the squirrels got some kind of virus that gave them super intelligence, opposable thumbs and caused them to and attack?
— Farhad Manjoo (@fmanjoo) November 8, 2014
Farhad is like the king of weird-ass tech twitter. He also switches job more often than my meth-addled cousin. So ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I’m convinced he’s some sort of super computer that has become self aware and every once in a while it just spits out random non-sequiturs to throw us off its path.
Well played future overlord of the Earth.
— darth™ (@darth) November 6, 2014
Darth is awesome. You want Twitter to be better? Follow Darth. But, I need to add a GIF to this article for a retweet.
Casey Newton @caseynewton
Guy, I need to make it about-dot-me for a second
— Casey Newton (@CaseyNewton) November 5, 2014
Casey is now the king of Silicon Valley for The Verge. I guess San Francisco is still up for grabs. Maybe there will be two kings? [TK Red Wedding Joke TK] Casey is hella tall and one day he’s gonna to make some girl out there very happy.
Martin Bryant @MartinSFP
— Martin Bryant (@MartinSFP) November 6, 2014
I had to make sure Martin was in the top 10 because he’s my boss. Maybe he won’t notice that instead of spending my weekend catching up on articles for TNW, I’m screwing around writing up stupid shit. Shhh, don’t tell him.
How many is that so far? Six?!?! Shit, this is going to take all day.
Selena Larson @selenalarson
Are you human still?
— Selena Larson (@selenalarson) November 6, 2014
Selena writes about diversity in tech. As a white male in tech I’m kinda pissed she stole my beat. Anywho, she got a new job and her Klout is probably pretty high right now. WARNING: Do not watch her eat a burrito, it’ll depress you.
Michael Calore @snackfight
doot / de-doot deet doot / de-doot deet doot #reggaeton
— Michael Calore (@snackfight) November 6, 2014
Micahel Calore will retweet anything that mentions Ty Segall.
Laura Hudson @laura_hudson
It happened in Garfield’s 7th life as a cat named Tigger who gets possessed by a primal force and starts to murder. I’m not making this up.
— Laura Hudson (@laura_hudson) October 31, 2014
Laura knows everything about comics. One day we will karaoke battle. Hey Laura, prepare to be handedly defeated by my smooth rendition of Freedom by Wham!
You have been warned.
Alex Wilhelm @Alex
Don't be a drunken piece of shit.
— Alex Wilhelm (@alex) November 2, 2014
Alex works at Techmeme. I hope that means this article will end up on the aggregation site that all the journalists read and will retweet. Have I mentioned how important it is to retweet this article to your followers?
You know what, If I make this article more than one page I’ll get more pageviews which means more ad clicks. I can’t believe no one thought of this before. I’m gonna be rich!
[Spends 30 minutes trying to find the page break tool in WordPress]